I have one of those smart watches. It is connected to my smart phone and does all kinds of things. Both my watch and my phone are smarter than I am. So be it. But sometimes I wonder just how this is supposed to work.

Conversation 1: I’m sewing along, making a tote bag or something. While working on the handles, I sew a length of fabric into a tube and need to turn it right side out. I have most of it turned, but flick my wrist (the one wearing the watch) to get the last little bit turned out.

I hear a noise. It sounds really different. Is it the television? I mute the TV. The noise continues.

It is my sewing machine? I lean forward, my ear to the body of the machine. No, it’s not from there.

It’s my watch, trying to get my attention.

Watch: Did you fall?

Me: No, I didn’t fall.

Watch: Are you sure? Because if you fell, I can send help.

Me: No, I didn’t fall. I’m sitting down.

Watch: You’re okay, then? You don’t need me to call anyone?

Me: No, I’m fine.

Watch: Okay. Take care.

Well, that was interesting. And life goes on.

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Conversation 2: I’m out walking around the yard, not really fast, but a bit speedier than a mosey. Somehow I manage to insert my foot under a length of grass that has rooted itself in two separate places. It asserts its dominance, barring my foot’s passage, causing me to lose my balance, and I fall.

Nothing happens. I look at my watch.

Me: Hey, Watch, I fell.

Watch: No, you didn’t.

Me: Did so.

Watch: Did not.

Me: But I fell! I hurt my hands and knees!

Watch: Oh, knock it off.

Me: I think I’m going to cry. [Sniffles]

Watch: Don’t be such a big baby.

Me: I thought you cared about me.

Watch: Oh, boo-hoo. Now, get back up and start walking again. We’re wasting time here.

Me: Ah-ha! So you know I fell!

Watch: Do you want me to end this activity session or not?

Me: No, let’s go.

Watch: [Scrolls a “rolled eyes” emoji across the watch screen.]

Me: I saw that.

Watch (whispering): Slacker!

Smart watch, indeed. More like smart aleck watch.