I went to the dentist for my regular checkup. The good news: No new cavities. The bad news: A cracked tooth.

“Are you sure?” I ask the dentist. Yes, he’s sure.

He asks me, “Does it hurt when I do this?” TAP TAP TAP “No, that doesn’t hurt,” I say.

“Are you sure?” he asks. TAP TAP TAP “Usually people have pain when they have a cracked tooth.” TAP TAP TAP

Bad luck: a cracked tooth. Good luck: not cracked enough to cause me pain.

I schedule two more visits and get a crown on top of my cracked tooth. As he’s cleaning up, my dentist mentions that there’s a 50-50 chance that the tooth is damaged enough that it will also need a root canal. I cup my hand over my cheek so the tooth cannot hear him. “Don’t listen,” I whisper to my newly crowned cracked tooth, “he’s talking about other teeth, not you. Don’t listen to him.”

About three weeks later, I’m congratulating myself on a crown without any post-installation pain. I am on my way to forgetting that ever happened. You know what’s next, right? That’s right, a few days after my celebration, my tooth starts hurting. I ignore the pain on Wednesday. The tooth is just unsettled, I tell myself. On Thursday, I decide that it is definitely unsettled and it is not going to settle down. I call the dentist office and ask for advice as to what to do over the upcoming three-day weekend if the pain worsens.

They work me in for a look-see (4th visit). TAP TAP TAP “Does it hurt when I do that?” he asks. “WELL BY GOLLY YES IT DOES!” I need a root canal. Rats!

I schedule an appointment for a root canal. As it turns out, this root canal will take three visits. “You’re joking, right?” I ask. No, he is not joking. The first one is to drain out the infected gunk (5th visit). (Ick.) Second is to drill out the roots (6th visit). Third is to plug up the roots (7th visit).

I decide that if I’m going to be spending so much quality time with my dentist and his assistant, I should get something for it, something not painful, I mean. They can start a new tradition: Patient of the Quarter. A Wall of Fame, if you will, of patients who spend a lot of time in Chair Number 3. I announce that I will be the first Patient of the Quarter and take my own picture.

Patient of the Quarter

Just imagine being called into the back and seeing a slew of photos of Chair Number 3 patients, each with a gaping maw of green plastic. Each of us will have our photo taken while in The Chair, making it easy for the dentist and his assistant to recognize us. “Oh yes,” they’ll murmur as they pass by, “I remember her: Tooth #3, a classic case of cracked tooth, crown, root canal.”

I appreciate modern dentistry, I really do. I just wish I didn’t need so much of it.